Eighteen Steps to Prepare for Snow Skiing

The following is a list of exercises to help you prepare for the ski season:

18. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk- in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
17. Find a sturdy tree.  Practice your ability to pass right through the trunk.
16. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
15. Fasten a tight rubber band around the top half of your head.  Wear it all day.
14. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
13. Throw away a hundred dollar bill... ...now!
12. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles.  Pretend you are looking  for your car. Sporadically drop things.
11. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
10. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
9. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
8. Go to McDonald's.  Find the longest line.  Insist on paying $9.50 for a hamburger.
7. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't see a doctor.
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to lacerate your face.
5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.
4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face.  Leave the ice on your face until it melts.  Let it drip into your clothes.
3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then ... go to the bathroom.
2. Find a bench seat roughly comparable to a ski lift chair.  Pay someone $50 for permission to sit there while it rains.
1. Repeat, weekly until it's time for the real thing!